Misunderstood

A few years ago Brad and I had our picture taken by one of those traveling photographers that dresses you up in vintage clothes and snaps a vignette so you can have something nice to hang up next to your Billy the Big Mouthed Bass. It was a Western bar set, so they dressed Brad as a gunslinger and me as a "floozy" (their word, not mine). Except when we got the picture I simply looked like a kindergarten teacher in fish net stockings five sizes too big.

No matter how I try, I can never be convincingly bad. Maybe that's why I always root for the bad guy. It's not that I play devil's advocate exactly, more that I tend to be empathetic to a fault, feeling the pains of not just the Supermen of the world, but the Lex Luthors as well. Think about it- An all-powerful alien descends upon your planet, capable of all sorts of freakish things. Wouldn't you try to stop him too? Think of everything we could learn if he was turned over to Science! I'll bet one of his toenail clippings could cure all sorts of horrible diseases. But he stubbornly hordes them just so he can try to get into Lois Lane's Anne Tylers.

Here are a few of these defamed personalities, and my arguments for their acquittal.

Nurse Ratched. She took a run-down, mismanaged psych ward and turned it into an efficient piece of finely oiled machinery. Then that reprobate McMurphy -who, must I remind you, is a criminal- comes along and destroys it all. Why? Because he's bored. Chief makes some interesting arguments, but in the first place you have to recognize that the guy is crazy. In the second place, the things he complains about are the same things we all complain about. Routine. Monotony. Being forced to swallow bitter pills. The Man. Except in this case The Man is a woman. If she were a man, would they have tried the same thing? I think not. A man would be an acceptable authority figure. Her femininity works against her because they expect a woman to be more nurturing. What we've got here is not a sadistic nurse, but one lone, courageous woman struggling to bear the weight of misogyny and everything else that's wrong in the world.

Nellie Oleson, the arch-nemesis of one Laura Ingalls, Walnut Grove's resident goody-goody. Nellie was always my favorite character. Yes, she is spoiled, and says some nasty things, but you know what? So does Laura. And you know what else? Laura always hits first. I was looking through old video to make sure my memory served me correctly, and sure enough, for every one of Nellie's sneers, there's Laura sneering even harder, fist at the ready.

Nellie was also a lot more interesting than Laura. She was adopted, she'd lived in the city, she was in general a more adventurous spirit. And while I normally favor the brunette in any such altercation, Nellie simply had better hair.

Joan Crawford was ahead of her time. If she was around now, parenting under the same circumstances, she'd be paraded on Katie Couric and HGTV. Now there are drugs for people suffering from OCD, and olympic sized swimming pools full of understanding. Then, all they could see was villainy. But behind all the cold cream was a sick, lonely woman that just wanted to be loved.

And what was her crime anyway? So she had something against wire hangers. Does anyone like wire hangers? I watched the movie again, and I saw not an abusive mother but a bratty, disrespectful child. Crawford was a dedicated parent who took out her frustrations on grout. Big whoop.

Bill Lumberg, the soulless boss. Another case of someone being derided merely for his position in life. His staff ought to recognize in his glazed eyes and careless stance that he too is bored with his job. He doesn't want to be there either. Look at him. Does he really look like he gives a crap about the 2000 switch?

His only joy in life is his car. He worked hard for that car, and for his parking space and nice office. He feels threatened by Peter because Peter reminds him of himself when he was a cubicle guy. I'm not saying I'd want him at my Superbowl party, but come on. Give the guy a break!

Mrs. Tweedy didn't know what she was getting into when she married a chicken farmer. But she was smart and industrious, and had her eye on the future, and that is all she's guilty of. That and her enjoyment of a nice chicken dinner, but who doesn't enjoy a nice chicken dinner?

If you lived on an unprofitable chicken farm and were married to an apparent schizophrenic, wouldn't you try to do something about it? If your very livelihood built an airplane and attempted to fly away, wouldn't you go after it with an axe? Mrs. Tweedy embodies the American spirit of survival and ambition, even though she's British. So why are we taking a chicken's side over hers again? Because she has bad hair?

Next time you see someone being vilified, think about what their crime truly is. Are they really the embodiment of evil, or do they simply have a big heart for hairless cats and pinky rings? Are they really psychotic or did they try the neighborhood beauty college's new Botox injection service, forever paralyzing one eyebrow? Just step into their shoes for a few minutes and you may see things differently.

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Note to Self:

When attempting to replicate a McDonald's soft serve hot fudge sundae with granulated peanuts-

(secondary note to self: find out why they call them granulated rather than chopped or some other synonym more suitable for IQ of average McDonald's customer, and while you're at it, find out what is so fancy about fancy ketchup.)

- do not, ever again, no matter the temptation, attempt the following procedure:

1. Retrieve ancient carton of vanilla ice cream from bowels of freezer
2. Scrape protective ice crystal covering from ice cream with heated ice cream scooper
3. Transfer remaining bits of vintage ice cream to bowl
4. Melt three bars of leftover Halloween fun-sized Hershey's bars in the microwave
5. Dump products of chocolate microwave experiment over vintage ice cream
6. Attempt to both eat and enjoy.

- Rather, call Brad and instruct him to stop by McDonald's on the way home from work and purchase an actual soft serve hot fudge sundae with actual imitation hot fudge containing delicious and gooey chemical stabilizers, and packet of actual granulated peanuts. If he then presents an argument against the wisdom of spending the last $1.08 we posses, remind him that his precious gnome collection continues to exist only out of love and benevolence.

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Dr. Venue's Frugal Tips

Like my new layout? It's all thanks to Summer, who is both talented and surprisingly affordable.

It's been awhile since I let my cousin write a post, so I agreed to let her write for WFMW this week. But I also wanted to plug in my own tip, so here it is in brief.

I'm really picky about my vitamins. The prenatal vitamins I use, Rainbow Light Just Once Prenatal, cost about $30 at local health food stores for a bottle of 90. I recently found this website, which sells them for $14, plus $4.99 shipping. I browsed a bit, and they really have incredible prices on all their nutritional supplements. I worried that maybe they'd be expired or otherwise damaged, but they turned out to be perfect. So I saved $10 and a trip to Whole Foods. Next time you need vitamins, check them out!

Okay, now here's Electrica. I apologize in advance...

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Dr. Electrica Venue has a PhD in Extrapolation from the prestigious University of the Principality of Sealand, where she also minored in both Nullification and Obfuscation. She now serves her Alma Mater as the dean of her field, and has made several televised appearances, on shows such as "Good Morning Sealand!" and "Great Sous Chefs of the North Sea." Look for her book, The Proper Care and Heeding of Wives, at a bookstore near you!

We're living in troubled times. The economy is terrible. Prices are up, pants are down, and lubricant seriously lacking. Everyone's looking for ways to save money, even here in Sealand. My cousin Marie shared some recipes with you last week, and I passed several of them on to my chef. I'm very much looking forward to saving some money in that area. Like many of you I too have been looking for ways to cut costs, and the information I've found out there is disappointingly obvious. To save gas, make fewer trips! You don't say! To save money on food, eat out less! Such insight!

So I put together some tips that you may not have thought of. They have certainly saved me oodles of money!

1. Instead of keeping both a cook and a maid, fire the cook and send your maid to a cooking school. I actually fired both and put Darren, my pool boy, in charge. I'm now only paying out a third of the payroll I was before and the results are quite satisfactory. In fact, I've finally lost those last ten pounds! In this picture he is trying to figure out where he went wrong with my breakfast. Naughty boy!

2. Re-think your next vacation. I was planning on doing space tourism this year, but when the economy got sour I made some new arrangements and decided to take several frugal vacations throughout the year instead. I went to Belize in February, and at this very moment I'm in Cannes for this quaint little film festival. In August it's Kenya (safari time!), and in December, Dubai. All of these vacations combined do not equate even a fraction of what space tourism would have cost me. Staying closer to home really does save!

3. I don't have children, but many of my friends and neighbors do. My BFF Saffron's daughter, Marlynn, turned 11 a few months ago. Saffron was very concerned over the extravagance of children's birthday parties, which really have become ridiculously overdone in recent years. She decided to do something low profile and save some money. So she booked Miley Cyrus to come out and play the party, and she was able to negotiate nearly $500 off of the fee by agreeing to cover all travel expenses for Miley and her staff. And she remembered the story about some airline saving millions by simply removing one olive from every salad, so she had her caterers do the very same thing, cutting nearly three dollars from her total. Next time a birthday approaches, think of the many ways you too might be able to cut costs.

4. If you're planning to get married and have any amount of wealth, make sure to have a pre-nuptial agreement drawn up. My husband failed to do so, and now he lives in his attorney's casita in Fresno while we finalize the divorce. And I'm in Cannes! *wink wink*

5. Here's a tip I actually got from Marie's husband, who is a car salesman. I wanted to trade in my decripit 2007 Cabriolet (which gets excellent mileage by the way, and has plenty of room for both Darren and Perez, my Goldendoodle puppy) for a 2008. Since the 2007 wasn't quite paid off, Brad advised me to ask my insurance company about something called Gap Insurance. I tried to tell him I would never shop at Gap, but he insisted. He said it covers the difference between what the car is worth and what you actually owe, so the difference isn't tacked on to the price of your new car. That little tip saved me nearly $20,000. I was so grateful I sent him a Hallmark e-card, thus saving money on a stamp as well. See, I'm on a roll!

You know, during the Depression, there were still plenty of millionaires. It's all a matter of personal economy. A penny saved is a penny earned, I really believe that.

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Her teeth were stained, but her heart was pure.

Found these here: 25 Country songs that didn't make it.

1. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth Cause I'm Kissing You Good-bye.

2. I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself or Go Bowling.

3. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You.

4. I Sold A Car To A Guy Who Stole My Girl, But It Don't Run So We're Even.

5. Mama Get A Hammer (There's A Fly On Daddy's Head).

6. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me.

7. She's Actin' Single and I'm Drinkin' Doubles.

8. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away.

9. I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You.

10. I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well.

11. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better.

12. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win.

13. I'll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let's Honeymoon Tonight.

14. I'm So Miserable Without You; It's Like Having You Here.

15. I've Got Tears In My Ears From Lying On My Back Cryin' Over You.

16. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now.

17. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love You.

18. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend and I Sure Do Miss Him.

19. Please Bypass My Heart.

20. She Got The Ring and I Got The Finger.

21. You Done Tore Out My Heart and Stomped That Sucker Flat.

22. You're the Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly.

23. Her Teeth Were Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure.

24. She's Looking Better After Every Beer.

25. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With An Ugly Woman, But I Sure Woke Up With a Few.

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Don't say I never gave you anything.

I just can't pay attention in church. My pastor is great and everything, but when I look at him I just want to take pair of scissors to his hair. And he is a very good, interesting speaker, but he's been talking about Paul and Silas for eight weeks now. So I stare at the screen from my little seat in the church cafe and it goes in and out of focus like a hypnotist's pocketwatch and the next thing I know I'm off to Happy Place Square Mall with a wallet full of cash.

Except this time I brought along my handy dandy notebook and made a few notes, which resulted in these buttons. You may use anything you like, just be a sport and link it back to me.

For the Alpha Mom:


The breastfeeding advocate:


The misunderstood humorist:


The underdog:


The comment poor:


The grateful recipient of warmth and fuzziness from her fellow bloggers (I was going to use a jock strap, but it looked gross. And then I was going to use Bartles and James but wasn't sure if people would get it.):

The Madonna fan:



And the David Hasselhoff aficionado (I know you're out there!).

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20 years later, Max goes to therapy.

Once you become a parent, there are often moments when you slap yourself on the head and say out loud, "so that's why Mom did that!" I think it actually takes becoming a parent to make those realizations, and that the childless among us are more likely to end up on a therapist's couch dissecting all the ways their parents did them wrong.

So what would Max say to his therapist?

Max: My mother is so crazy that she once took away all the toilet paper and hid it from me. If anyone had to go to the bathroom, they had to ask her for a toilet paper ration. I know my parents didn't have much money, but... rationing toilet paper? And now, every time I go shopping, I feel compelled to buy enormous quantities of the stuff. It's in the bathroom cabinet, the garden shed, under my bed, and the trunk of my car. But I still need more!

What really happened: Every time I put a new roll of t.p. in the bathroom, as soon as Max notices he will unroll every last bit of it and flush the evidence down the toilet just so he can get the tube to play with. Toilet paper isn't hugely expensive when used appropriately, but going through 2-3 rolls a day really adds up.

Max: My mother is the most sadistic person I've ever heard of. When I was little I loved to look out my bedroom window and watch the birds in the tree just outside. One day she came in and just slammed it shut, and told me if she caught me near the window again she'd take it away. I was too little to know you can't actually take a window away. But I still can't believe it, how can you deny a window to a child? I wish I could say that I know why the caged bird sings...

What really happened: Max's room is on the second floor. He had opened his window all the way, pried off the screen, and was leaning out and yelling at the neighbors in their yard. Telling Max "you will fall to your death," isn't enough, nor is a spanking or other disciplinary action. He will do it again and again until either he falls to his death or the fear of God is put into him. A sad kid is better than a dead kid.

Max: My mom never let me play with the neighbor kids. I'd see them from the windows, out there riding their bikes and chasing the ice cream truck, all the sorts of things kids are supposed to do. But I wasn't allowed near them. I only wanted a friend!

What really happened: Let me tell you about the neighbor kids. Their favorite words are "f*ckweasel," "f*ckstick," and "b*tch." Coincidentally, those are also the nicknames their parents have chosen for them. They're allowed to roam in the street with no supervision. A couple weeks ago the police were called on the 3 year old, because he'd been throwing rocks at passing cars, as he does every afternoon, and managed to break a window that time. No, I don't let Max play with them. Guilty as charged.

Max: We lived less than two blocks from a park, but Mom never took us. We only had our tiny back yard, about ten square feet of dirt to play in.

What really happened: I used to take them to the park almost every day when we first moved here, despite its lack of play equipment. The grass was green, the sky was blue, and there's a decent basketball hoop. I never saw any other families there though, just shady characters in hooded jackets bending over the picnic tables or squatting under the trees. One day I saw what they were actually doing while they were squatting under the trees and I decided I didn't want my kids to see that too.

Max: One day I discovered the flap in my underwear and thought it was really neat. It became my new favorite game to get Mom to look, and when she did I'd pull my penis out. At first she thought it was funny, but when I added a trench coat to my repertoire she just freaked out. Is it any wonder I have self esteem issues?

What really happened: Do I really need to explain this one?

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Tell me the truth now.

Am I the only one that thinks this picture -which is popping up in OB/Gyn waiting rooms everywhere- is creepy?


I know it's supposed to be about the miracle of life and all that, but to me it looks more sci-fi than anything else. And not in a good way.

(The viral proliferation of this picture has caused the original source to be buried in obscurity. If anyone knows whose creation it is, please let me know so I can give due credit.)

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